I feel like I'm becoming worse and worse when it comes to opening up to people.
I've become a chronic liar.
They are not big things. They are small things, tiny stuff. Nothing that really matters. But I keep doing it. Yes I ate, yes I went there, oh yeah I'm doing that, I'm going there. No I'm not. I just say it because it's easy. It slips off my lips before I even notice it. I get so anxious about things that don't even matter. It's ridiculous.
Mentally I'm so exhausted that all I wanna do is lie in bed. And I can't do even that because doing it makes me anxious and I start feeling guilty. So I keep pacing around the apartment nervously or do something that doesn't really matter. I feel so paranoid that it would make me laugh if it wasn't so utterly pitiful.
It sounds cruel but sometimes I just wish I could stop caring about people. That I could stop caring about anyone and just close up and close my ears and never care about anything again. Caring is making me tired. Exhausted. It's draining me.
I don't really know what to do with my life.
I don't wanna know what happens if I don't get that job.
I'm so tired I don't even seem to feel anymore. Everything's gray.
I got my thesis written today. For a moment I smiled and then it was gone. Everything's gray.
