The fun thing about getting completely anxious in the middle of the night without a good reason is that it's much harder to get your head out of the gutter than it is during the daytime. I hope you can hear the overwhelming sarcasm in my voice. I don't even know where it started. Or well,maybe I do. I started thinking about CDs. And then suddenly my head is filled with filth and I feel like choking. Even the softly breathing little fluff next to me doesn't help to soothe the feeling. There is a lump in my throat that I cannot swallow. And my experience I know that the lump will turn into a pain in my chest that feels like it could crush my rib cage under it. But it doesn't. Instead it feels like pushing it inwards until all my inner organs squeeze and I start feeling panicky. Fun times.
By all means my life should be pretty good right now. I got a place to study. I graduated. I'm alive. Things are going fairly well. And yet I seem to be hunted by the negatives. Tiny, meaningless little things keep drilling themselves into my skull until I just have to notice them. And by that I mean panic. Or get depressed. Both are equally great options according to my head. That's why sometimes it's fun to do them both at the same time.
On some level I feel terribly drained. And I don't know how to get myself out of this bottomless swamp. I want to talk but I don't know where to start. What's wrong? I don't even know the answer properly myself..
Oh. And for some reason I have started feeling guilt about not being social. This is new. Totally new. I am not quite sure what to do with it.
