Being sick sucks.
What sucks even more is being sick and an adult at the same time.
It's been somewhere around 5 years since I was sick. It's hard to even start trying to explain how anxious being sick makes me. There is just something in it that makes me absolutely freeze in fear and during these... 4 days that I've been sick, I've cried more times than I dare to admit. Being sick frightens me. I can admit it, plainly and bluntly. I hate the feeling of lying in my bed and having my body ache a bit here and there. I hate the feeling the medicines cause in my head after I take them. I hate how restless my sleep gets and how vivid and colourful my dreams are. They are too colourful and full of shapes and places that make me want to run. I don't even know why I am running. But it's because of those shapes. The shapes are scary. I don't know exactly why but I know that they are. This feeling doesn't leave me even after I wake up.
It may all sound silly to you. It probably really does. But it still scares me.
What do I mean then by being an adult and being sick? And why does that suck even more?
It sucks because when you lie in your bed by yourself, all alone, feeling sick, it makes you downright miserable. Sweating in the dizzy hallucinations that the medicines cause feels at least three million times worse when you're alone.
To be honest, I wish I was at my parent's place right now.
I wish I was somewhere where someone could fondle my hair when I start crying and tell me that there's no reason to cry because this will pass. Because at the moment I don't feel like it will. I feel alone and isolated from the rest of the world. I feel useless and anxious and abandoned. I am trapped in my own bed, in my own head and there's no way out. It's a sad place to be in.
It feels really lonely.
