151103

I should have never expected that I matter in the first place. 

Whatever. You don't need me. You don't care for me. You're not interested. 

I should have known. 

How stupid can one be? 

My favourite hobby seems to be creating false trust. As if I was something that mattered. 

As if. 

150828

Today has been a ride. Up and down up and down again.

It's amazing how a couple of words can change a thing you were excited just seconds ago to something that you want to just trash and never look at again. 

Sometimes I wonder why I do this. Why do I dress "weird"? Why can't I have a normal taste, put on jeans and a t-shirt that 20 000 other people do to and just be pleased with it. Be a fucking clone. I don't mind a joke. I really don't. But I don't want to hear it from you. There are already tons and tons of people out there who like laughing at the way I look and making rude comments. Don't laugh too. Youu're supposed to be here to support me. I rely on you. You are not supposed to be like them. I don't want you to joke about it. 

I don't expect you to dress like me. I don't expect you to love everything I wear. But I do wish you'd appreciate the fact that the way I dress makes me happy. I know how to dress appropriate when I'm at work or go out on town with you so you shouldn't give a rat's ass what I wear when I'm by myself.

But if you insist on seeing the piece of clothing I bought just to make a stupid joke about it.. Please don't bother. I don't need that. I really don't. I've heard enough of it already to last for a lifetime and yet I know there will be a bunch of comments again more next time. 

I know I'm being sensitive and ridiculous but I've been crying for twenty minutes now.

And I just don't think that's fair.

150611

Right now I feel like smashing my head against a wall might be a great idea.

I sincerely hope tomorrow's better.

I'm so tired of this.

I'm so tired of being incompetent in everything.

Why do you do this to me? Do you have any idea how bad it feels?

I wanna go to bed and not wake up.

It's summer and I shouldn't be depressed.

But look where we are.

150607

I don't know what I've done to deserve this.

Aparently, probably, something.

I want to sleep for the next 5 years and then possibly wake up. Possibly.

I am so incredibly tired I want to cry. But I doubt that would help so I won't.

I would just really like to know.. why me? Why? 

I want to shut my phone and lock myself up in my room.

I am no good for anything or anyone anyway.

Why the fuck do I even try..

I crave so much to be asked about how I feel.

But if someone did, I'd lie anyway.

I'm fine. I'm always just fine.

150530

It feels like I never do anything right.
I should never tell anyone anything about myself or what I do.
That way maybe I wouldn't be screwing up all the time.
I'm tired of feeling guilty about everything I do.
I'm tired of feeling guilty about just existing.
It was not my choice. It was not my choice.

I have tried to be nice. I have tried to understand.
I have tried to listen. I have tried to help.
I have tried to be good.
And still there is guilt weighting on my shoulders all the time.Do you know how exhausting it is?

I feel like every word I say might be wrong.
That in everything I say might lie another possibility for the guilty feeling.

I would like to talk to someone. Tell them how I feel. How bad it is. But how could I ever?
So I just try to fix up my facade and remind myself to smile.

150324

I have 30 pages of thesis written plus 2-page table of contents. Maybe this thing will even eventually get finished.. That doesn't stop me from stressing about it though. I am constantly afraid that it's all just bullshit and I've done something so utterly wrong it can't be fixed. Sucks to be paranoid.

I'm still stressed about getting a job for summer too. Only rejection letters so far and every single one of them makes me want to cry like no tomorrow. God damn am I not good enough for anywhere...

All that aside, the sun is shining. And just minutes ago it was raining.
That is beautiful. Ah.

I feel so useless. 

I'll never be anything. 

I'll never matter. 

That's just how it goes. 

150303

Is my suffering not good enough for you?

You won't even share your pain with me anymore. You may read my messages and answer days later if even then. I feel like I'm not good enough for you anymore. Am I not broken enough?
I don't have the discipline I'd need. Would I spark your interest again if I...
Did you only like me because I was so broken?
I still am. For now I've just glued myself together for a while. But I suppose it looks whole if you look at it from that far away. Why are you running from me? I feel like I can't reach you anymore...

Maybe I'm overreacting. Paranoid as usual.
But it still hurts.
I feel frustrated.

Please notice me. I feel so abandoned. 

150128

It's hard to even explain how utterly uncomfortable I feel in my body right now. I am also tired of social contact.

I just want to stay inside my apartment and not get out. I don't want anyone to see me. I don't want to see anyone. I want to be alone. I want to be alone until I feel better and less tired. Until I feel like I can be around people without being completely paranoid about how horrible I look. 

I hate my head so much. 

I also hate the fact how difficult it is to explain. 

A couple of nights ago I was standing at a rock and just thought. What if I just fell down from here? How many bones would I break?

I don't want to die. I want to get hospitalised. 

Because it's much easier to explain to people that you have a broken leg and can't do a thing instead of trying to explain that my mind is so sick it keeps me from leaving my bed. 

150111

One of the nights that I think I'm in serious need of help.

I will drown. And I will do so quietly. And no one will ever notice. Because I can't get any of it out.

No one will ever really know because I can't really tell.

I feel frustrated. Useless.

What good am I if I can't even help them feel better..

Just give it all to me. I will carry it. I will fucking carry it. I will.

Just leave them alone.

141014

I’m afraid it’s getting worse again. I’m not sure if it’s about the autumn that has finally come. I wonder at what point did the leaves turn yellow and fall onto the ground? The ground’s not black, the streets are not black. They are yellow, orange, red.. they’re like on fire. But the nights are not. The red sunsets have turned into gray and blue and the darkness comes earlier than before. The autumn is dark and cold. I’m afraid it’s creeping inside me as well.

I feel tired again. I sleep 8-9 hours a night and nevertheless when the morning comes I hardly get my eyes open. And let’s not even talk about lectures. Once I finally get back home I’m so tired I could go back to sleep again. This starts reminding me of last autumn. I could sleep 13-16 hours a day. I don’t know what to do anymore, really.. I don’t sleep and I feel tired. I do sleep and I feel tired nevertheless.

As if this wasn’t already exhausting enough, there’s the happy little sound nagging in the back of my head. Most of all I feel incompetent and stupid. Ugly and fat come right after the first two. I know it’s just my head messing around but nevertheless it gets tiring. Why can’t I ever be good enough? Why can’t I be smart and pretty? Or at least smart? Or pretty? I feel like I’m failing as a human for being neither. This all dwells inside of me to the point where I hardly enjoy things that I am supposed to enjoy. That’s tiring as well.

All I want to do is sleep.

I wish I didn’t have to wake up for lecture tomorrow but instead I could just sleep through the whole day. That would be perfect. Unfortunately it’s also impossible.

I don’t know what to do. I am so lost right now.

[ sickness ]

Being sick sucks.
What sucks even more is being sick and an adult at the same time.

It's been somewhere around 5 years since I was sick. It's hard to even start trying to explain how anxious being sick makes me. There is just something in it that makes me absolutely freeze in fear and during these... 4 days that I've been sick, I've cried more times than I dare to admit. Being sick frightens me. I can admit it, plainly and bluntly. I hate the feeling of lying in my bed and having my body ache a bit here and there. I hate the feeling the medicines cause in my head after I take them. I hate how restless my sleep gets and how vivid and colourful my dreams are. They are too colourful and full of shapes and places that make me want to run. I don't even know why I am running. But it's because of those shapes. The shapes are scary. I don't know exactly why but I know that they are. This feeling doesn't leave me even after I wake up.

It may all sound silly to you. It probably really does. But it still scares me.

What do I mean then by being an adult and being sick? And why does that suck even more?
It sucks because when you lie in your bed by yourself, all alone, feeling sick, it makes you downright miserable. Sweating in the dizzy hallucinations that the medicines cause feels at least three million times worse when you're alone.
To be honest, I wish I was at my parent's place right now.
I wish I was somewhere where someone could fondle my hair when I start crying and tell me that there's no reason to cry because this will pass. Because at the moment I don't feel like it will. I feel alone and isolated from the rest of the world. I feel useless and anxious and abandoned. I am trapped in my own bed, in my own head and there's no way out. It's a sad place to be in.

It feels really lonely.