150324

I have 30 pages of thesis written plus 2-page table of contents. Maybe this thing will even eventually get finished.. That doesn't stop me from stressing about it though. I am constantly afraid that it's all just bullshit and I've done something so utterly wrong it can't be fixed. Sucks to be paranoid.

I'm still stressed about getting a job for summer too. Only rejection letters so far and every single one of them makes me want to cry like no tomorrow. God damn am I not good enough for anywhere...

All that aside, the sun is shining. And just minutes ago it was raining.
That is beautiful. Ah.

150128

It's hard to even explain how utterly uncomfortable I feel in my body right now. I am also tired of social contact.

I just want to stay inside my apartment and not get out. I don't want anyone to see me. I don't want to see anyone. I want to be alone. I want to be alone until I feel better and less tired. Until I feel like I can be around people without being completely paranoid about how horrible I look. 

I hate my head so much. 

I also hate the fact how difficult it is to explain. 

A couple of nights ago I was standing at a rock and just thought. What if I just fell down from here? How many bones would I break?

I don't want to die. I want to get hospitalised. 

Because it's much easier to explain to people that you have a broken leg and can't do a thing instead of trying to explain that my mind is so sick it keeps me from leaving my bed. 

141014

I’m afraid it’s getting worse again. I’m not sure if it’s about the autumn that has finally come. I wonder at what point did the leaves turn yellow and fall onto the ground? The ground’s not black, the streets are not black. They are yellow, orange, red.. they’re like on fire. But the nights are not. The red sunsets have turned into gray and blue and the darkness comes earlier than before. The autumn is dark and cold. I’m afraid it’s creeping inside me as well.

I feel tired again. I sleep 8-9 hours a night and nevertheless when the morning comes I hardly get my eyes open. And let’s not even talk about lectures. Once I finally get back home I’m so tired I could go back to sleep again. This starts reminding me of last autumn. I could sleep 13-16 hours a day. I don’t know what to do anymore, really.. I don’t sleep and I feel tired. I do sleep and I feel tired nevertheless.

As if this wasn’t already exhausting enough, there’s the happy little sound nagging in the back of my head. Most of all I feel incompetent and stupid. Ugly and fat come right after the first two. I know it’s just my head messing around but nevertheless it gets tiring. Why can’t I ever be good enough? Why can’t I be smart and pretty? Or at least smart? Or pretty? I feel like I’m failing as a human for being neither. This all dwells inside of me to the point where I hardly enjoy things that I am supposed to enjoy. That’s tiring as well.

All I want to do is sleep.

I wish I didn’t have to wake up for lecture tomorrow but instead I could just sleep through the whole day. That would be perfect. Unfortunately it’s also impossible.

I don’t know what to do. I am so lost right now.

[ runaway ]

Right now I feel like I'm very lost.
The only thing I know is where I am now, everything else seems unclear.
Who am I? What am I? What is this? Why do I do it? What is this all for? When will I..?
And the list goes on and on.

I don't know what I am, who I am or who I want to be.
This frustrates me a lot.
I am so lost.


_________________________________________
trigger warning - blood

There was that very distinct scent of blood lingering in the air. It hand strong over the building and got even stronger once you stepped in. It was so thick in the air that you felt like you could almost touch it, feel the taste on your tongue if you just closed your eyes. It made you fear for the worst, there was an atmosphere of murder and yet the scent of death was missing. There was only the smell of blood, so thick and strong it was almost intoxicating.

He followed the steps upstairs and by each one, the scent seemed to grow stronger. By the time he was standing on top of the staircase, he could almost imagine the pools of blood in the floor. Except that they weren’t there. It was almost frustrating. Like the scent was teasing him, luring him deeper into the strange mansion coated with dark wood. His patience was wearing thin, the scent making him feel like he could loose his mind. That little bitch.. He kept playing these games and he swore to god (or the devil for that matter) that someday they’d end up being the death of him. However now his eyes slowly scanned the doors and finally picked the one at the end of the corridor.

That one. There was no doubt of it.

As he got closer, the scent of blood seemed to get a new hint to it. Now it was mixing together with another scent. This one was much sweeter, almost too sweet and yet something that thrilled your senses with its vivid forest-like freshness. And as his hand pressed down the handle of the door, he wasn’t sure what to expect anymore.

The figure in the bathtub looked like an ancient goddess even in the midst of the grotesque scene scattered around him. His pale skin seemed even more ivory as it contrasted against the blood filling the white tub. His slender figure had that certain grace as he tilted his head back and ran his hand through the black hair that flowed down his back.

“Care to join me for a bath?”

It was a sweet purr in the air thickened with the scent of blood that coloured the demon’s lips red as they curled up into a smile.

[ sickness ]

Being sick sucks.
What sucks even more is being sick and an adult at the same time.

It's been somewhere around 5 years since I was sick. It's hard to even start trying to explain how anxious being sick makes me. There is just something in it that makes me absolutely freeze in fear and during these... 4 days that I've been sick, I've cried more times than I dare to admit. Being sick frightens me. I can admit it, plainly and bluntly. I hate the feeling of lying in my bed and having my body ache a bit here and there. I hate the feeling the medicines cause in my head after I take them. I hate how restless my sleep gets and how vivid and colourful my dreams are. They are too colourful and full of shapes and places that make me want to run. I don't even know why I am running. But it's because of those shapes. The shapes are scary. I don't know exactly why but I know that they are. This feeling doesn't leave me even after I wake up.

It may all sound silly to you. It probably really does. But it still scares me.

What do I mean then by being an adult and being sick? And why does that suck even more?
It sucks because when you lie in your bed by yourself, all alone, feeling sick, it makes you downright miserable. Sweating in the dizzy hallucinations that the medicines cause feels at least three million times worse when you're alone.
To be honest, I wish I was at my parent's place right now.
I wish I was somewhere where someone could fondle my hair when I start crying and tell me that there's no reason to cry because this will pass. Because at the moment I don't feel like it will. I feel alone and isolated from the rest of the world. I feel useless and anxious and abandoned. I am trapped in my own bed, in my own head and there's no way out. It's a sad place to be in.

It feels really lonely.

馬鹿ね

うそつき…

馬鹿ね馬鹿ね馬鹿ね
馬鹿なオトコはいらないわ

泣いて泣いて泣いて
泣いた顔など見せないわ

Tonight I feel stupid on so many different levels I can't even put it into words.

I wonder if it's all inside my head and if so, how do you escape from that?

Closing his eyes he let the water flow on him, almost hoping that it would wash away these thoughts from his head. But they stayed like a cancer, circled in his head and ran in his veins. They were imprinted on his skin like tattoos, the memories covering his whole body. Without him even realizing it, his fingertips ran along those certain spots that had once been covered in such perfectly aligned cuts. Now even these marks were slowly fading away.

Everything else stayed. 

 

xo.

140529

First night in the new apartment. 

There's still a lot to do. 

But already, this place feels like home. 

I am happy. 

140513

Tonight I feel a bit empty again. 

I think I'm trying to fill in that hole by writing something that doesn't even really have a meaning. 

We visited our summer cottage during the weekend. The evening was beautiful, it looked like someone had painted the sky. It felt unreal. That somethig like that simply couldn't exist. With the lake all calm it mirrored the sky's colours so beautifully. It was like a fairytale. 

I also went swimming. The lake was cold and I felt so chilly for a long time. Even dived. It really was cold. 

But I did feel some sort of accomplishment after doing it. It was a good, long-lost feeling. 

Today started a new module at uni. I'm already tired but I will struggle through this too, as always. 

Next weekend it's the convention. I am a bit nervous, I can admit. Going by myself doesn't feel like such a good idea anymore.. But well, I am hoping for the best~ 

xo.