161204

I want to get hit by a truck.
I'm so goddamn tired. I can't do this. I can't pretend like I would want to be here. Like I'd want to do this. Like I'd want to be me. I don't want this life. I don't. I just really don't. I hate it. I just look at my calendar and loathe every upcoming day until the end of the year. Each and every one of them just looks like a day to struggle through.
What am I even doing this all for?
I can't keep on going like this. Or if I do I can hardly see myself going past 26 without a complete meltdown. Maybe that would be good. Then I could just be. I'm a failure already anyway. What would it change? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

161123

Today has been weird. I suppose the past weeks have been weird. I keep living in a roller coaster where I feel everything and nothing and everything and nothing.
Currently I don't feel particularly depressed. I got over that a couple of days ago. Instead my mood is gray. With a hint of blue. I feel and I don't. I can't get excited even if I want to. We will go and see a movie tomorrow. A movie I can remember being so very excited about at some point. Now I just feel.. indifferent. And I wouldn't like to. I would like to be excited. Thrilled. But I'm not. The same happened with our trip abroad this weekend. I had a good time, I did. But part of the trip I just felt like I wasn't there. I suppose it's the anxiety that keeps me disconnected from the reality. It just doesn't seem like my life. This doesn't seem like me. Something is so horribly off and yet I don't know why. I'm just not here.
I've also been dizzy for around four days now. It's like this slightly hazy feeling that I have in my head the whole time. I hope that would stop too. Trying to iron it down but so far it doesn't seem too effective. But maybe it will work eventually.

161114

I forgot to buy dinner. I was supposed to I forgot. I feel like an idiot. Did the same on Friday.. Thursday I can't really remember. I think I had lunch.
I've been thinking if I should start a meal diary. Just to try to write up the things I eat during the day. If it would make me more aware of it. But then again I'm afraid it will only make me more anxious. If I need to write everything down, what will I eat anymore.. Everything sounds unhealthy. Even now, I think I've gained weight. Complete lack of self-control. All I want is chocolate.

I'm just tired. All I want to do is sleep. I want to cut all social contacts to people. I don't want to. It's exhausting. Tiring. No one understands. I shouldn't have even said anything. God I'm an idiot.
I just wish I could stop thinking. Switch off my head. Be like fuck it and never talk again. Why do I have to try this hard? Right now I see no point. The future is just a blur. If anything, it makes me anxious.

Sometimes I just really want some help. I want someone to remind me to eat, take me to the store and let me sit on their lap. But I know it will never happen. I will never tell anyone. I will just keep swallowing it all down.
Life is tiring and I just want someone to hold me.

160606

This day has been extraordinarily great.
I just wrote it an hour ago. I knew I shouldn't have.
It feels like it's probably hiding behind some corner. Laughing when I write down words like those. Laughing with its little sharp teeth showing. You just wait and see. It lurks and waits. It's patient. And once you have basked in your happiness for a moment, it strikes. And makes your chest hurt so badly it's hard to breathe.

I just wish that one day I could wake up and not deal with this. What have I done to deserve this... I had three days off last week and nevertheless I'm so tired that it's ridiculous.
If someone sells bottled happiness, I would like to buy it.

160418

The fun thing about getting completely anxious in the middle of the night without a good reason is that it's much harder to get your head out of the gutter than it is during the daytime. I hope you can hear the overwhelming sarcasm in my voice. I don't even know where it started. Or well,maybe I do. I started thinking about CDs. And then suddenly my head is filled with filth and I feel like choking. Even the softly breathing little fluff next to me doesn't help to soothe the feeling. There is a lump in my throat that I cannot swallow. And  my experience I know that the lump will turn into a pain in my chest that feels like it could crush my rib cage under it. But it doesn't. Instead it feels like pushing it inwards until all my inner organs squeeze and I start feeling panicky. Fun times.

By all means my life should be pretty good right now. I got a place to study. I graduated. I'm alive. Things are going fairly well. And yet I seem to be hunted by the negatives. Tiny, meaningless little things keep drilling themselves into my skull until I just have to notice them. And by that I mean panic. Or get depressed. Both are equally great options according to my head. That's why sometimes it's fun to do them both at the same time.

On some level I feel terribly drained. And I don't know how to get myself out of this bottomless swamp. I want to talk but I don't know where to start. What's wrong? I don't even know the answer properly myself..

Oh. And for some reason I have started feeling guilt about not being social. This is new. Totally new. I am not quite sure what to do with it.

160103

A sudden anxiety about the future has hit me.

It makes me suddenly want to cry at half past eleven at night because I feel so uncertain about everything. I have less than two months left here. What will I go back to?

I can't even express the hollow feeling in the back of my head.

On one hand I am looking forward to going home. I am looking forward to meeting my friends again and sharing all the stories we've missed. I am looking forward to hugs and laughs and silly movie nights with too much food. I am looking forward to long walks and meals in McD's and the stupid jokes.

On the other hand I dread for the idea. I don't have a job. I don't have an apartment. I don't have a school to return to. I have nothing. And the thought drives me insane.

What do I have?

What will I do?

What do I want?

Who am I?