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Today has been weird. I suppose the past weeks have been weird. I keep living in a roller coaster where I feel everything and nothing and everything and nothing.
Currently I don't feel particularly depressed. I got over that a couple of days ago. Instead my mood is gray. With a hint of blue. I feel and I don't. I can't get excited even if I want to. We will go and see a movie tomorrow. A movie I can remember being so very excited about at some point. Now I just feel.. indifferent. And I wouldn't like to. I would like to be excited. Thrilled. But I'm not. The same happened with our trip abroad this weekend. I had a good time, I did. But part of the trip I just felt like I wasn't there. I suppose it's the anxiety that keeps me disconnected from the reality. It just doesn't seem like my life. This doesn't seem like me. Something is so horribly off and yet I don't know why. I'm just not here.
I've also been dizzy for around four days now. It's like this slightly hazy feeling that I have in my head the whole time. I hope that would stop too. Trying to iron it down but so far it doesn't seem too effective. But maybe it will work eventually.

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I forgot to buy dinner. I was supposed to I forgot. I feel like an idiot. Did the same on Friday.. Thursday I can't really remember. I think I had lunch.
I've been thinking if I should start a meal diary. Just to try to write up the things I eat during the day. If it would make me more aware of it. But then again I'm afraid it will only make me more anxious. If I need to write everything down, what will I eat anymore.. Everything sounds unhealthy. Even now, I think I've gained weight. Complete lack of self-control. All I want is chocolate.

I'm just tired. All I want to do is sleep. I want to cut all social contacts to people. I don't want to. It's exhausting. Tiring. No one understands. I shouldn't have even said anything. God I'm an idiot.
I just wish I could stop thinking. Switch off my head. Be like fuck it and never talk again. Why do I have to try this hard? Right now I see no point. The future is just a blur. If anything, it makes me anxious.

Sometimes I just really want some help. I want someone to remind me to eat, take me to the store and let me sit on their lap. But I know it will never happen. I will never tell anyone. I will just keep swallowing it all down.
Life is tiring and I just want someone to hold me.