150324

I have 30 pages of thesis written plus 2-page table of contents. Maybe this thing will even eventually get finished.. That doesn't stop me from stressing about it though. I am constantly afraid that it's all just bullshit and I've done something so utterly wrong it can't be fixed. Sucks to be paranoid.

I'm still stressed about getting a job for summer too. Only rejection letters so far and every single one of them makes me want to cry like no tomorrow. God damn am I not good enough for anywhere...

All that aside, the sun is shining. And just minutes ago it was raining.
That is beautiful. Ah.

I feel so useless. 

I'll never be anything. 

I'll never matter. 

That's just how it goes. 

150303

Is my suffering not good enough for you?

You won't even share your pain with me anymore. You may read my messages and answer days later if even then. I feel like I'm not good enough for you anymore. Am I not broken enough?
I don't have the discipline I'd need. Would I spark your interest again if I...
Did you only like me because I was so broken?
I still am. For now I've just glued myself together for a while. But I suppose it looks whole if you look at it from that far away. Why are you running from me? I feel like I can't reach you anymore...

Maybe I'm overreacting. Paranoid as usual.
But it still hurts.
I feel frustrated.

Please notice me. I feel so abandoned.