151103

I should have never expected that I matter in the first place. 

Whatever. You don't need me. You don't care for me. You're not interested. 

I should have known. 

How stupid can one be? 

My favourite hobby seems to be creating false trust. As if I was something that mattered. 

As if. 

150611

Right now I feel like smashing my head against a wall might be a great idea.

I sincerely hope tomorrow's better.

I'm so tired of this.

I'm so tired of being incompetent in everything.

Why do you do this to me? Do you have any idea how bad it feels?

I wanna go to bed and not wake up.

It's summer and I shouldn't be depressed.

But look where we are.

I feel so useless. 

I'll never be anything. 

I'll never matter. 

That's just how it goes. 

150303

Is my suffering not good enough for you?

You won't even share your pain with me anymore. You may read my messages and answer days later if even then. I feel like I'm not good enough for you anymore. Am I not broken enough?
I don't have the discipline I'd need. Would I spark your interest again if I...
Did you only like me because I was so broken?
I still am. For now I've just glued myself together for a while. But I suppose it looks whole if you look at it from that far away. Why are you running from me? I feel like I can't reach you anymore...

Maybe I'm overreacting. Paranoid as usual.
But it still hurts.
I feel frustrated.

Please notice me. I feel so abandoned. 

150111

One of the nights that I think I'm in serious need of help.

I will drown. And I will do so quietly. And no one will ever notice. Because I can't get any of it out.

No one will ever really know because I can't really tell.

I feel frustrated. Useless.

What good am I if I can't even help them feel better..

Just give it all to me. I will carry it. I will fucking carry it. I will.

Just leave them alone.

141123

I've lost 5kg of weight

And despite that it still takes a pretty sharp 0,7 seconds for me to start regretting every piece of food I've ever put in my mouth and start hating my body again. It's miserable. I'm back where I wanted to be, why am I not happy? 

I [am not] fat. I [feel] fat. And there's a painful difference in those two. 

I could lose 5 more kilos and still be just as unhappy as I am now. 

I need to fix that something in my head. I need to learn to love myself. Love my body. 

But how to do it? How? H o w ?

[141028]

Before I used to love how quiet it was at night. You had time just for yourself. There was no one else awake and you could feel like you were the king of the world. You were on top of everything and nothing could possibly beat you. The night gave you wings.

I still love the night, don't get me wrong.
However nowadays I hate it too.

I hate the silence of everyone else sleeping because it reminds me that I should be sleeping too. That I should be able to sleep too. And here I am tossing and turning in bed. All because I wanted to be foolishly brave and not take the medication tonight. I wanted to prove myself that I can still sleep.
Unfortunately I can't. And that's sad.
I fall for my own lie time after time.

140928

Today at work I thought how much I just wish it was over so I'd get back home. The same happens during the week at lectures. I'm waiting for the evening and the moment I can go back home. Why? In the end, there's nothing waiting for me at home. I get home and roll around in boredom and misery. 

I think the autumn's getting on me again. 

I feel like at the moment I'm not even living. I'm waiting for evenings in hope for the days to pass. It's not living. It's just trying to struggle through the days and weeks in hope that something will eventually come. 

It's like I'm waiting and I don't even know what for. 

That's silly isn't it?

140723

It's almost funny. 

You'd think little things don't matter. But they do. They actually matter an awful lot. And it makes me a bit sad to know just how little it would take to make that effort. 

It feels sad to be drowning when you're surrounded by people.

Reaching your hand out. Reaching, reaching. But it's too far away. 

Do you need to scream to be saved?

But what if there's no voice left to shout with?

Will they just let you drown?