161114

I forgot to buy dinner. I was supposed to I forgot. I feel like an idiot. Did the same on Friday.. Thursday I can't really remember. I think I had lunch.
I've been thinking if I should start a meal diary. Just to try to write up the things I eat during the day. If it would make me more aware of it. But then again I'm afraid it will only make me more anxious. If I need to write everything down, what will I eat anymore.. Everything sounds unhealthy. Even now, I think I've gained weight. Complete lack of self-control. All I want is chocolate.

I'm just tired. All I want to do is sleep. I want to cut all social contacts to people. I don't want to. It's exhausting. Tiring. No one understands. I shouldn't have even said anything. God I'm an idiot.
I just wish I could stop thinking. Switch off my head. Be like fuck it and never talk again. Why do I have to try this hard? Right now I see no point. The future is just a blur. If anything, it makes me anxious.

Sometimes I just really want some help. I want someone to remind me to eat, take me to the store and let me sit on their lap. But I know it will never happen. I will never tell anyone. I will just keep swallowing it all down.
Life is tiring and I just want someone to hold me.

160606

This day has been extraordinarily great.
I just wrote it an hour ago. I knew I shouldn't have.
It feels like it's probably hiding behind some corner. Laughing when I write down words like those. Laughing with its little sharp teeth showing. You just wait and see. It lurks and waits. It's patient. And once you have basked in your happiness for a moment, it strikes. And makes your chest hurt so badly it's hard to breathe.

I just wish that one day I could wake up and not deal with this. What have I done to deserve this... I had three days off last week and nevertheless I'm so tired that it's ridiculous.
If someone sells bottled happiness, I would like to buy it.

160418

The fun thing about getting completely anxious in the middle of the night without a good reason is that it's much harder to get your head out of the gutter than it is during the daytime. I hope you can hear the overwhelming sarcasm in my voice. I don't even know where it started. Or well,maybe I do. I started thinking about CDs. And then suddenly my head is filled with filth and I feel like choking. Even the softly breathing little fluff next to me doesn't help to soothe the feeling. There is a lump in my throat that I cannot swallow. And  my experience I know that the lump will turn into a pain in my chest that feels like it could crush my rib cage under it. But it doesn't. Instead it feels like pushing it inwards until all my inner organs squeeze and I start feeling panicky. Fun times.

By all means my life should be pretty good right now. I got a place to study. I graduated. I'm alive. Things are going fairly well. And yet I seem to be hunted by the negatives. Tiny, meaningless little things keep drilling themselves into my skull until I just have to notice them. And by that I mean panic. Or get depressed. Both are equally great options according to my head. That's why sometimes it's fun to do them both at the same time.

On some level I feel terribly drained. And I don't know how to get myself out of this bottomless swamp. I want to talk but I don't know where to start. What's wrong? I don't even know the answer properly myself..

Oh. And for some reason I have started feeling guilt about not being social. This is new. Totally new. I am not quite sure what to do with it.

160103

A sudden anxiety about the future has hit me.

It makes me suddenly want to cry at half past eleven at night because I feel so uncertain about everything. I have less than two months left here. What will I go back to?

I can't even express the hollow feeling in the back of my head.

On one hand I am looking forward to going home. I am looking forward to meeting my friends again and sharing all the stories we've missed. I am looking forward to hugs and laughs and silly movie nights with too much food. I am looking forward to long walks and meals in McD's and the stupid jokes.

On the other hand I dread for the idea. I don't have a job. I don't have an apartment. I don't have a school to return to. I have nothing. And the thought drives me insane.

What do I have?

What will I do?

What do I want?

Who am I?

151114

Sometimes I wonder why do I try?

Why do I try to be nice with people? Why do I expect them to like me? Why do I think that I or my doings actually could make a difference or change something? I don't know.

I am the kind of person that everyone loves to talk to yet I'm also the person who's easiest to throw away. I'm the person that when you're having a hard time it's easy to come to me but when everything's fine i's easy just trash me together with the rest of the garbage. I am the kind of person that everyone keeps as long as it suits them. I'm the one they talk to when it happens to be convenient. 

I'm good for nothing. So it seems and feels.

Why do I bother trying when I can't get anything right? 

I should just isolate myself from everyone.

There's a big bunch of hidden feelings inside of me.

I think I'm actually so fucking angry. 

But I just can't let it out.

So I seal it into a nice little package and push aside.

For everyone else's convenience.

Sometimes I feel like a fucking sociopath.

151103

I should have never expected that I matter in the first place. 

Whatever. You don't need me. You don't care for me. You're not interested. 

I should have known. 

How stupid can one be? 

My favourite hobby seems to be creating false trust. As if I was something that mattered. 

As if. 

150828

Today has been a ride. Up and down up and down again.

It's amazing how a couple of words can change a thing you were excited just seconds ago to something that you want to just trash and never look at again. 

Sometimes I wonder why I do this. Why do I dress "weird"? Why can't I have a normal taste, put on jeans and a t-shirt that 20 000 other people do to and just be pleased with it. Be a fucking clone. I don't mind a joke. I really don't. But I don't want to hear it from you. There are already tons and tons of people out there who like laughing at the way I look and making rude comments. Don't laugh too. Youu're supposed to be here to support me. I rely on you. You are not supposed to be like them. I don't want you to joke about it. 

I don't expect you to dress like me. I don't expect you to love everything I wear. But I do wish you'd appreciate the fact that the way I dress makes me happy. I know how to dress appropriate when I'm at work or go out on town with you so you shouldn't give a rat's ass what I wear when I'm by myself.

But if you insist on seeing the piece of clothing I bought just to make a stupid joke about it.. Please don't bother. I don't need that. I really don't. I've heard enough of it already to last for a lifetime and yet I know there will be a bunch of comments again more next time. 

I know I'm being sensitive and ridiculous but I've been crying for twenty minutes now.

And I just don't think that's fair.