[ sickness ]

Being sick sucks.
What sucks even more is being sick and an adult at the same time.

It's been somewhere around 5 years since I was sick. It's hard to even start trying to explain how anxious being sick makes me. There is just something in it that makes me absolutely freeze in fear and during these... 4 days that I've been sick, I've cried more times than I dare to admit. Being sick frightens me. I can admit it, plainly and bluntly. I hate the feeling of lying in my bed and having my body ache a bit here and there. I hate the feeling the medicines cause in my head after I take them. I hate how restless my sleep gets and how vivid and colourful my dreams are. They are too colourful and full of shapes and places that make me want to run. I don't even know why I am running. But it's because of those shapes. The shapes are scary. I don't know exactly why but I know that they are. This feeling doesn't leave me even after I wake up.

It may all sound silly to you. It probably really does. But it still scares me.

What do I mean then by being an adult and being sick? And why does that suck even more?
It sucks because when you lie in your bed by yourself, all alone, feeling sick, it makes you downright miserable. Sweating in the dizzy hallucinations that the medicines cause feels at least three million times worse when you're alone.
To be honest, I wish I was at my parent's place right now.
I wish I was somewhere where someone could fondle my hair when I start crying and tell me that there's no reason to cry because this will pass. Because at the moment I don't feel like it will. I feel alone and isolated from the rest of the world. I feel useless and anxious and abandoned. I am trapped in my own bed, in my own head and there's no way out. It's a sad place to be in.

It feels really lonely.

140725

I feel like I can't write anymore. I want to but I can't. I try and I try and I try.

But it doesn't come out right. I stumble in my words and they don't seem to fit in their place. The sentences seem awkward and I the order of words seems like a mystery to me. They won't work with me, no matter how hard I try. The frustration inside of me just grows. I want to write so badly. But there's nothing that would feel right. I come up with a sentence. Another. Write a ten more and yet they don't seem connected. 

In the end I just close the document, sigh quietly and hope that tomorrow it would be better.

It never is.

____________________________________

”You aren’t anything. Did you hear me? You’re nothing! Nothing!”

The memory echoed through his mind, hurt deep inside in places you’d think that pain was impossibility in. But it hurt. The pain radiated through his mind, into his veins and to his body. It consumed him alive, ate away everything else until there was nothing but hurt left. Chest was the worst. His hands pressed against it, fingers curled into the fabric of the shirt as if trying to pull away the pressuring feeling that made it hard to breathe. Where his heart was supposed to be was a black hole, all lost into its darkness.

It felt like his body was slowly crumbling into pieces. Falling apart. 

He didn’t have the power to hold it together anymore. 

His body felt heavy. It was almost like he was falling. Downwards, downwards, always just downwards. Pain was cast aside, slowly the numbness filled every cell of his body and nothing mattered anymore. All was dark, he couldn’t see and he just kept falling.

His world had burnt to ashes so long ago, maybe it was time for him to accompany it. 

Maybe this was planned all along.

140723

It's almost funny. 

You'd think little things don't matter. But they do. They actually matter an awful lot. And it makes me a bit sad to know just how little it would take to make that effort. 

It feels sad to be drowning when you're surrounded by people.

Reaching your hand out. Reaching, reaching. But it's too far away. 

Do you need to scream to be saved?

But what if there's no voice left to shout with?

Will they just let you drown?

馬鹿ね

うそつき…

馬鹿ね馬鹿ね馬鹿ね
馬鹿なオトコはいらないわ

泣いて泣いて泣いて
泣いた顔など見せないわ

Tonight I feel stupid on so many different levels I can't even put it into words.

I wonder if it's all inside my head and if so, how do you escape from that?

Closing his eyes he let the water flow on him, almost hoping that it would wash away these thoughts from his head. But they stayed like a cancer, circled in his head and ran in his veins. They were imprinted on his skin like tattoos, the memories covering his whole body. Without him even realizing it, his fingertips ran along those certain spots that had once been covered in such perfectly aligned cuts. Now even these marks were slowly fading away.

Everything else stayed. 

 

xo.

140529

First night in the new apartment. 

There's still a lot to do. 

But already, this place feels like home. 

I am happy. 

140516

Today I am so utterly happy that words possibly can't express it.
There is this bubbly happy feeling inside of me and I just feel like bursting.
I can't even describe this feeling.. it's just.. such utter happiness.
And it will be even more happiness when I can be sure that I'm getting the tickets.
I need them. I really need them.

xo.

140513

Tonight I feel a bit empty again. 

I think I'm trying to fill in that hole by writing something that doesn't even really have a meaning. 

We visited our summer cottage during the weekend. The evening was beautiful, it looked like someone had painted the sky. It felt unreal. That somethig like that simply couldn't exist. With the lake all calm it mirrored the sky's colours so beautifully. It was like a fairytale. 

I also went swimming. The lake was cold and I felt so chilly for a long time. Even dived. It really was cold. 

But I did feel some sort of accomplishment after doing it. It was a good, long-lost feeling. 

Today started a new module at uni. I'm already tired but I will struggle through this too, as always. 

Next weekend it's the convention. I am a bit nervous, I can admit. Going by myself doesn't feel like such a good idea anymore.. But well, I am hoping for the best~ 

xo.