151114

Sometimes I wonder why do I try?

Why do I try to be nice with people? Why do I expect them to like me? Why do I think that I or my doings actually could make a difference or change something? I don't know.

I am the kind of person that everyone loves to talk to yet I'm also the person who's easiest to throw away. I'm the person that when you're having a hard time it's easy to come to me but when everything's fine i's easy just trash me together with the rest of the garbage. I am the kind of person that everyone keeps as long as it suits them. I'm the one they talk to when it happens to be convenient. 

I'm good for nothing. So it seems and feels.

Why do I bother trying when I can't get anything right? 

I should just isolate myself from everyone.

There's a big bunch of hidden feelings inside of me.

I think I'm actually so fucking angry. 

But I just can't let it out.

So I seal it into a nice little package and push aside.

For everyone else's convenience.

Sometimes I feel like a fucking sociopath.

151103

I should have never expected that I matter in the first place. 

Whatever. You don't need me. You don't care for me. You're not interested. 

I should have known. 

How stupid can one be? 

My favourite hobby seems to be creating false trust. As if I was something that mattered. 

As if. 

150828

Today has been a ride. Up and down up and down again.

It's amazing how a couple of words can change a thing you were excited just seconds ago to something that you want to just trash and never look at again. 

Sometimes I wonder why I do this. Why do I dress "weird"? Why can't I have a normal taste, put on jeans and a t-shirt that 20 000 other people do to and just be pleased with it. Be a fucking clone. I don't mind a joke. I really don't. But I don't want to hear it from you. There are already tons and tons of people out there who like laughing at the way I look and making rude comments. Don't laugh too. Youu're supposed to be here to support me. I rely on you. You are not supposed to be like them. I don't want you to joke about it. 

I don't expect you to dress like me. I don't expect you to love everything I wear. But I do wish you'd appreciate the fact that the way I dress makes me happy. I know how to dress appropriate when I'm at work or go out on town with you so you shouldn't give a rat's ass what I wear when I'm by myself.

But if you insist on seeing the piece of clothing I bought just to make a stupid joke about it.. Please don't bother. I don't need that. I really don't. I've heard enough of it already to last for a lifetime and yet I know there will be a bunch of comments again more next time. 

I know I'm being sensitive and ridiculous but I've been crying for twenty minutes now.

And I just don't think that's fair.

150611

Right now I feel like smashing my head against a wall might be a great idea.

I sincerely hope tomorrow's better.

I'm so tired of this.

I'm so tired of being incompetent in everything.

Why do you do this to me? Do you have any idea how bad it feels?

I wanna go to bed and not wake up.

It's summer and I shouldn't be depressed.

But look where we are.

150607

I don't know what I've done to deserve this.

Aparently, probably, something.

I want to sleep for the next 5 years and then possibly wake up. Possibly.

I am so incredibly tired I want to cry. But I doubt that would help so I won't.

I would just really like to know.. why me? Why? 

I want to shut my phone and lock myself up in my room.

I am no good for anything or anyone anyway.

Why the fuck do I even try..

I crave so much to be asked about how I feel.

But if someone did, I'd lie anyway.

I'm fine. I'm always just fine.

150530

It feels like I never do anything right.
I should never tell anyone anything about myself or what I do.
That way maybe I wouldn't be screwing up all the time.
I'm tired of feeling guilty about everything I do.
I'm tired of feeling guilty about just existing.
It was not my choice. It was not my choice.

I have tried to be nice. I have tried to understand.
I have tried to listen. I have tried to help.
I have tried to be good.
And still there is guilt weighting on my shoulders all the time.Do you know how exhausting it is?

I feel like every word I say might be wrong.
That in everything I say might lie another possibility for the guilty feeling.

I would like to talk to someone. Tell them how I feel. How bad it is. But how could I ever?
So I just try to fix up my facade and remind myself to smile.

150402

I feel like I'm becoming worse and worse when it comes to opening up to people.
I've become a chronic liar.
They are not big things. They are small things, tiny stuff. Nothing that really matters. But I keep doing it. Yes I ate, yes I went there, oh yeah I'm doing that, I'm going there. No I'm not. I just say it because it's easy. It slips off my lips before I even notice it. I get so anxious about things that don't even matter. It's ridiculous.
Mentally I'm so exhausted that all I wanna do is lie in bed. And I can't do even that because doing it makes me anxious and I start feeling guilty. So I keep pacing around the apartment nervously or do something that doesn't really matter. I feel so paranoid that it would make me laugh if it wasn't so utterly pitiful.

It sounds cruel but sometimes I just wish I could stop caring about people. That I could stop caring about anyone and just close up and close my ears and never care about anything again. Caring is making me tired. Exhausted. It's draining me.

I don't really know what to do with my life.
I don't wanna know what happens if I don't get that job.
I'm so tired I don't even seem to feel anymore. Everything's gray.
I got my thesis written today. For a moment I smiled and then it was gone. Everything's gray.

150324

I have 30 pages of thesis written plus 2-page table of contents. Maybe this thing will even eventually get finished.. That doesn't stop me from stressing about it though. I am constantly afraid that it's all just bullshit and I've done something so utterly wrong it can't be fixed. Sucks to be paranoid.

I'm still stressed about getting a job for summer too. Only rejection letters so far and every single one of them makes me want to cry like no tomorrow. God damn am I not good enough for anywhere...

All that aside, the sun is shining. And just minutes ago it was raining.
That is beautiful. Ah.

I feel so useless. 

I'll never be anything. 

I'll never matter. 

That's just how it goes. 

150303

Is my suffering not good enough for you?

You won't even share your pain with me anymore. You may read my messages and answer days later if even then. I feel like I'm not good enough for you anymore. Am I not broken enough?
I don't have the discipline I'd need. Would I spark your interest again if I...
Did you only like me because I was so broken?
I still am. For now I've just glued myself together for a while. But I suppose it looks whole if you look at it from that far away. Why are you running from me? I feel like I can't reach you anymore...

Maybe I'm overreacting. Paranoid as usual.
But it still hurts.
I feel frustrated.

Please notice me. I feel so abandoned. 

150128

It's hard to even explain how utterly uncomfortable I feel in my body right now. I am also tired of social contact.

I just want to stay inside my apartment and not get out. I don't want anyone to see me. I don't want to see anyone. I want to be alone. I want to be alone until I feel better and less tired. Until I feel like I can be around people without being completely paranoid about how horrible I look. 

I hate my head so much. 

I also hate the fact how difficult it is to explain. 

A couple of nights ago I was standing at a rock and just thought. What if I just fell down from here? How many bones would I break?

I don't want to die. I want to get hospitalised. 

Because it's much easier to explain to people that you have a broken leg and can't do a thing instead of trying to explain that my mind is so sick it keeps me from leaving my bed. 

150111

One of the nights that I think I'm in serious need of help.

I will drown. And I will do so quietly. And no one will ever notice. Because I can't get any of it out.

No one will ever really know because I can't really tell.

I feel frustrated. Useless.

What good am I if I can't even help them feel better..

Just give it all to me. I will carry it. I will fucking carry it. I will.

Just leave them alone.